It has been exactly one year since we found out we were pregnant. The pregnancy wasn't necessarily planned, but it wasn't unplanned either because we weren't taking any precautions. We were going to intentionally start trying the next month ( the Chinese calendar predicted a girl then lol), but we also figured it would take a long time to get pregnant and Marc and I weren't getting any younger. It was a Sunday evening when we found out. I decided to take a test to ease my mind. I was 99.9% positive that I was NOT pregnant. When the test came back positive, we were shocked, excited, and scared. We were only intending on having 2 children, so when we found out that there were 2 babies in my belly, we were for sure done having children, so I felt at the time. I am not writing this to discuss my twin pregnancy because I did that throughout this blog. I am writing to share my thoughts on the finality of our growing family.
I grew up in a household of five and Marc has five siblings. I never wanted children and Marc wanted one. I find it ironic that we both wound up with 3 amazing, perfect kids when our intentions were to have a small family. Baby fever hit me big time when I turned 30 and I just wanted to have lots of babies. Initially after Mason was born, I vowed that we were never having anymore children. Between the rough labor and delivery and the sleepless nights with a newborn, we were one and done. Ha ha! Then things started getting easier and I truly fell in love with being a mom. Mason was/is my everything and I realized that being a mommy was my true calling. As Mason approached his first birthday, baby fever came back with a vengeance. Marc was not on board with having another child and it took about 6 months for him to come around. He had just opened up to the idea of giving Mason a sibling, and BAM, we were pregnant.
Throughout my twin pregnancy, even after we found out they were both boys, Marc and I decided that this is definitely it. We were really done this time. The twins were going to be born via c-section, so we figured the doctor would tie my tubes while I was on the operating table. We discussed the procedure at every visit, so I knew this was happening. There were times when I was unsure of my decision, but Marc (aka Ron Realist as he likes to call himself, but I prefer Debbie Downer) was there to remind me about finances, our age, and the possibility of twins or even triplets if we were to get pregnant again. And he was right, even though I hate admitting that. I want to be able to be the best, fair, loving mom that I can to my three boys. On November 25, after Noah and Dylan were born, my doctor asked me one last time if I wanted to tie my tubes. As I laid there on the table thinking of Mason and listening to the cries of my two new beautiful babies, I agreed to the procedure.
So why am I writing this? I know my life is absolutely crazy with two infants and a toddler. Marc and I are constantly busy, whether we are cleaning, doing laundry, feeding, changing diapers, and just trying to have somewhat of a life outside the house, and yet, I have buyer's remorse. I regret the decision I made on that table. People think I am crazy when I mention this. They say things like, "Have you lost your mind?" "Do you not remember that pregnancy?" "You are constantly exhausted and sleep deprived, what are you thinking?" And all of this is true! I am exhausted, tired, and a little crazy, but the thought of never being able to have anymore children, makes me sad. I hate the finality of it all. Whenever I see a beautiful pregnant woman, I think to myself that I will never experience that again and it makes me sad.
Would I like to have more children? ABSOLUTELY! More for selfish reasons because I don't want my babies to grow up and I want them to stay little forever. As I hold the twins in my arms, I can't even remember how tiny they were. As I pack up boxes of clothes, I cry because I have no reason to save anything anymore. There won't be anymore little babies in my house. I had a really hard time with moving the twins to their nursery. Mason was out of our room at 3 weeks, but at almost 5 months old, Dylan is still in the crib in our room. I know once he moves out, there will never be a baby in my room again. All of this makes me sad and yearn for more babies, but when will enough be enough? It is a part of life that my babies have to grow up, and as much as I want to bottle up these moments and keep them forever, I have to let life take its course and accept it.
This blog is a great outlet for me to not only share pictures of my loved ones, but to open up and share my feelings. Even though there are no more pregnancies and newborns in my future, I get to really enjoy each stage that my three amazing children will go through. Mason is an amazing, loving child and I continuously enjoy each milestone. Even when he goes pee pee on the tile as he tries to make his way to the toilet! Noah is an awesome, sweet baby and I adore the way he looks into my eyes. Dylan has brought so much joy and happiness into my life. So even though there aren't going to be any new baby Boileau's in my future, I will forever love and cherish my three fantastic kiddos. It may be the finality of our growing family, but it is the beginning of some great adventures to come!
