Confessions of a NICU Mom

The last eleven days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It all started on a Sunday evening after watching a crazy football game. I was 35 weeks pregnant and extremely uncomfortable at this stage. I felt guilty because I wanted these babies out and I was over this whole pregnancy at this point. I never had any real complications, but my body was just too small to carry two babies. At 11:00 PM, my water broke, but there weren't any contractions. I knew my boys were coming, but I was still in denial. I hadn't even packed my hospital bag. My doctor kept telling me to get to 34 weeks and my babies will be fine. It never occurred to me that there may be complications. The C-Section was much better than the last time. It took a little longer because there were two babies and they tied my tubes, but I never got sick or incoherent like I did with Mason. At 2:00 AM Noah was born and Dylan came out at 2:03 AM. I should've suspected something when they didn't bring me the babies, but Marc was over with them and was taking pictures and telling me how gorgeous they were. Finally, Marc was able to have both boys in his arms while they wheeled me over to recovery. Once in the recovery room, some nurses came in and said that Dylan needed to be monitored for a few hours. A nurse finally brought him over to me so I can kiss his forehead and then whisked him away. Marc followed them while I was with Noah, my mom, my sister, and Rosanna. I was going crazy. No one would tell me anything and Marc was gone for what seemed like an eternity. The recovery nurse was not very pleasant and refused to take me to see Dylan because she had another patient. She was supposed to take me to the NICU, but never did. At this point it has been 2 hours since my boys were born, and I still had not held Dylan. My nurse would not let me go because they had to monitor me for 4 hours before I could leave the room. I was angry and scared. I felt like they were keeping something from me. 

When Marc finally returned, he said that Dylan was fine, but just needed some oxygen and was going to be monitored for 24 hours. Thank god for my amazing mommy! She went to the NICU and stayed with Dylan when I could not. It wasn't until 12:30 PM that I got to meet my little Dylan. That was the longest 10 1/2 hours of my life! The nurse wheeled me in to his room and I immediately broke down. There was my little guy in an open incubator with oxygen and a feeding tube, and I wasn't allowed to touch him! The nurses assured me that he was fine, but I was still scared out of my mind. I knew that he was staying longer than the 24 hours that they originally said. I also knew that if I wanted to see my baby, I better start walking fast. Within 12 hours of surgery, my butt was walking back and forth from the NICU to see Dylan then back to my room to see Noah. I didn't care what kind of pain I was in, all I wanted were my babies!

Having Noah in the room with me was bittersweet. He was such a sweet, mild-tempered little baby. He snuggled with everyone that came to visit. He was eating great, sleeping soundly, and looked just like Mason did when he was baby. My mom spent the night with me in the hospital to help me take care of this little guy because Marc had to work. I wanted him home with me when I had both the boys since he was only able to take one week off.  Thank goodness for the amazing nurses! At 4:00 AM a nurse came in to check me and to screen Noah. While she was checking him, he had his first apnic episode. He stopped breathing for about 7 seconds and started to turn blue. After encouragement from the nurse, he started breathing again. She called his pediatrician, and he recommended that he get checked by the NICU doctors. Noah was down the hall (on the more critical side of the NICU) away from his brother. I was terrified and in total shock. Mason was such a healthy, perfect, typical baby. I did not know how to handle this. 

Walking back to my hospital room without any babies was devastating. The nurses and doctors wanted me to sleep and get rest, but that was next to impossible. My little angels were not with me and all I wanted was to be with them as much as I could. By midday, both boys were in the same section, further away down the hall from the critical babies. My day consisted of napping and walking back and forth to the NICU. (This explains the pain and why I am not healing as fast from surgery, but what was a mom to do?) By 5:00 PM on Tuesday, nearly 40 hours after delivering these guys, I was finally able to hold my little Dylan. I cried with joy! Then another nurse gave me Noah and I sat there forever holding both my precious babies. There was finally some hope!

Each day Dylan got better. First, he ripped off his oxygen tubing by the second day and was breathing no problem. Then he pulled out his feeding tube and was eating like a champ from a bottle. Noah on the other hand was a little naughty. He continued to have apnic episodes where he would not breathe for anywhere from 7-20 seconds. All of the nurses called him a "wimpy white boy". Apparently white boys are notorious for staying in the NICU longer than females and any other race. I was so confused. How could this be the same baby that was with me that first night? Were my boys ever coming home?

By Wednesday morning, I was an emotional mess. I wasn't sleeping, eating, or anything. Is there something I could have done differently? Was this my fault? I had such a mixture of emotions. I couldn't fill out their birth certificates out of fear that something might happen. It was not a good day:( After talking with Marc and Brooke, I felt a lot better and decided that I needed to get away from my hospital room and the NICU. Rosanna came over and between her and Nurse Amy, I broke free and went downstairs to the cafeteria to get away from it all. It was exactly what I needed. When I had Mason, we bonded together every day in the hospital room. Not having any babies with me was killing me. After lunch and some good girl talk with Andrea and Rosanna, I was able to really enjoy my babies in the NICU. Andrea and Rosanna both had premature babies in the NICU, so it was really great talking with them.

Thanksgiving Day was really great. Marc and Mason spent the morning with me eating Dunkin Donuts and watching the parade on TV. It was perfect. Then Nurse Karen and my boys spent the rest of the day in the NICU. This is the day that I started really understanding the monitors and how to take care of my boys. I was taking their temperatures, feeding, changing, and snuggling them. Then my whole family came by with food and lots of love and support. Things were definitely looking up.

I was dreading Friday all week because that was the day I had to leave the hospital without any babies. My fear was that they would have to push me in a wheel chair out the front door without my children. Thank goodness that didn't happen. They discharged me from my room and I walked right into the NICU. I stayed there all day and evening, until the dreaded moment arrived and I had to leave the hospital. I know my boys were in excellent care, but this was the most gut wrenching feeling I have ever experienced. I cried the entire car ride home and then finally cried myself to sleep. Poor Mason and Marc did not know how to get me out of my funk. 

Saturday was much better because that was the day they discharged my little Dylan after 6 days. They originally thought he would be there for 2 weeks! I hated having to separate my boys, but I know Noah needed to mature a bit more before he could come home. The next 3 days consisted of me staying up all night with Dylan and then packing him up to spend the day with Noah. It was good because they let me keep the kids together in the same crib. After 9 days in the NICU, they released Noah. I was finally crying from pure happiness!

This was the NICU room where I spent most of my time. 

This experience has taught me so much. I will no longer take things for granted and I've learned to appreciate all things that life has to offer. I met so many wonderful parents who are going through the same thing. My boys were extremely healthy compared to some other little precious babies in the NICU. I plan on giving back to the NICU community to help and support other parents who are suffering through the same thing.

Now that my boys are home, of course I am exhausted from lack of sleep, but I wouldn't change it for the world!

Sleeping in bed with me.

3:00 AM feeding time:)